Hello and welcome to the Norfolk and Chance New Year's handicap steeplechase live from Westminster.

Already we've had quite remarkable scenes here with Universal Credit throwing its rider before the race has even started. We've been informed that the horse is OK but the vets have had to shoot Iain Duncan Smith.

Meanwhile the start has had to be delayed because Grant Schapps, aboard Bedroom Tax, seems in two minds about which of his three stalls to enter.

There's bound to be a steward's inquiry there.

But I think we're finally ready to get under way. The runners are under starters orders... and they're off!

It's Toryboy followed by Killthepoor, closely pursued by Sod the NHS and My Second Home's a Castle with Big Society bringing up the rear.

And as we reach the first hurdle, oh my, Big Society has refused.

Not for the first time, Big Society is going absolutely nowhere. David Cameron is applying the whip but no, his horse appears to be going backwards.

And what's this? Sod the NHS is in all sorts of trouble.

The jockey, Jeremy Hunt, doesn't seem to have a clue what he's doing. And my word! It would appear a member of the public has attempted to push Hunt from his mount.

If I'm not mistaken it's Liam Fox, a previous champion hurdler in his day, long dogged by allegations of race-fixing.

He's trying to unseat Hunt but Hunt is hanging on for grim death, like a pensioner in a queue at A&E.

Oh and Sod the NHS has collapsed under their combined weight. There will have to be a medical examination but it looks like it's been bled dry.

Well, that didn't take them long did it? The chimes of Big Ben have barely died off and already we've got Tories spouting self-serving rubbish.

First out of the box and speaking of dying off we had Dr Fox deciding in his infinite wisdom that now was a good time to argue that so-called ring-fencing should be removed from NHS funding.

Not that there ever has been any ring-fencing of the health budget. But then when have this shower ever let the truth get in the way of a good soundbite?

You may recall that it was his novel approach to spending - namely our money on his mate Adam Werritty - that forced Fox to resign as defence secretary in the first place.

Now, consigned to the back benches, he has apparently decided that he has spent enough time on the naughty step and is craving the limelight again.

Fox will no doubt claim that he has the credentials for making such a comment due to the fact he was a doctor. Yes, well so was Josef Mengele...

Next up was Cameron, who not content with doing his impression of Michael Caine in Zulu - "Bulgarians, thousands of 'em. Don't vote 'til you see the whites of their eyes" - has now waded into the row about whole-life tariffs.

Some crimes are just so heinous that life should mean life, he opined.

Yes, crimes such as enforced slave labour, decimating the welfare system, slashing the NHS and waging illegal wars, just off the top of my head.

Sadly though we are probably not going to get the chance to see Cameron, Osborne, IDS et al slopping out at Wormwood Scrubs. That's one prisoner's vote everyone would agree on.

A survey of MPs this week found that the majority of those polled valued decisiveness over principles, honesty and intelligence in a leader. That's zero out of four for Cameron then.

And speaking of sending young men to be slaughtered in foreign climes who should rear their ugly head again this year but that old butcher Lord Kitchener.

2014 of course marks the inception of one of the worst slaughters the world has ever seen in the shape of the gross act of imperialist folly that was World War I.

So what better way to mark the occasion than mint a coin with the image of a mass-murdering jingoist scumbag on the face?

You may recall that the Bank of England initially put up stiff resistance when campaigners called for more equal representation of women on the nation's banknotes before grudgingly agreeing to stick Jane Austen on the new tenner.

"A bloodthirsty psychopath's one thing, but a woman? Are you mad?"

You get the sinking feeling though that someone at the Bank of England is already planning to make an exception... for Thatcher.

If the seemingly inevitable does happen I would propose they stick her on the £50 note. They're only useful to yuppies and bankers and if you are unfortunate enough to get stuck with one you can't get rid of it.