POLICE across the country have been inundated with anxious calls this week, boroughs missing their bigot quotients, villages bereft of idiots.

It looked set to be a mystery for the ages until Paul Nuttall popped up on the radio like a particularly unwelcome turd in a children’s swimming pool and suddenly the veils were parted.

Yes it could mean only one thing — the annual numpty-fest that is the Ukip conference is once again in full swing.

Well, I say conference but in reality it is more like a Mad Hatter’s tea party with a guest list comprising the PG Tips chimps.

As with all parties there will doubtless be games.

Pin the blame on the migrant always goes down well as does the now traditional round of pass the buck.

Ukip fuhrer Nigel Farage crawled out from whatever rock he’s been festering under to join the fun. Presumably in case everyone had forgotten he existed.

He took to the rostrum like a cross between Goebbels and Pontius Pilate and claimed, in what may have been meant as a rousing speech, that Britain has a 50/50 chance of leaving the European Union.

Nothing like hedging your bets is there Nigel, but then you’re a former banker so you know all about that.

He then “warned” the party faithful that he would be devoting all his time to campaigning in the in/out referendum and would therefore not be about as much.

He would not “desert” Ukip, he reassured the assembled mouth-breathers — rather like he did just before taking the huff and buggering off for three days after getting stuffed in the election — but the poll on Britain’s future in the EU would take up all of his energy.

Perhaps unsurprisingly then the biggest pull of the day was not the glorious leader.

That dubious honour went to harridan-for-hire Katie Hopkins.

Appearing on the fringes of the gathering in Doncaster, the renta-gobshite du jour said that the dead Syrian boy found washed up on Turkish shores was staged, before predictably claiming the nation was about to be “deluged by a wave of immigration.”

Adding: “I won’t be opening up my spare bedroom to refugees.”

Thank god for that, these poor people have suffered enough.