Write something deranged in my online diary 
Make a call to my good friend Vladimir
Belittle someone less powerful than me
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Have a minion drive me to my golf course
Bawl out a reporter, call her “dear”
Get a TV star to be secretary of war
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Stage a fake assassination attempt
Walk out the next day with an unmarked ear
Pay my wife to hold my hand in public
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Threaten Greenland with invasion
Compliment an intern on her “perfect rear”
Tell her a lot of people say I’m a great guy
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Fall asleep at a meeting and begin to snore
Wake up — hey I’m President! Demand they cheer
Sack a few generals for refusing mad orders
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Look into the mirror and say “hey handsome!”
Insult the French or that guy Sir Keir
Bomb more foreigners into oblivion
Try to make Epstein disappear.

Take my third dementia test of the week
Touch up a young woman, get off on her fear 
When none of that works, threaten Armageddon 
To try to make Epstein disappear.

Harry Gallagher is a poet and performer based in the north-east of England. His latest collection is Northern Lights (Stairwell Books, £8). He is a former poetry co-editor for the Morning Star.

Poetry submissions to thursdaypoems@gmail.com.