“Hello and welcome to BBC news. And you join us here outside the Royal Courts of Justice in London where the country’s first ever closed material proceedings are under way. 

"Presided over by Sir Colm Locution the nationalist Law Lord, one- time Cabinet adviser and joint favourite for the position of Attorney General.

“It has been a vertiginous and, one must say, unexpected elevation for the former assizes judge to be vying for this top position within the judiciary. However, he did rather improve his chances since taking the radical option of rendering himself both blind and deaf so better to hear the legal cases brought against the government.”

“So what appears to be happening Chris?”

“Er, buggered if I know Huw. Three monkeys came in earlier but they were staying schtum. 

“I spoke to the defendant and he didn’t have a clue either Huw. Turns out he’d been sitting in the wrong court for three-quarters of an hour because nobody read out his name.”

“Ah, yes I can see your quandary there Chris but still, the coalition are only doing what’s good for us and it’s really not their fault if we can’t keep up. Keep us posted!”

“Why?”

“Yes, well thanks, Chris and we’ll be back for that vital update after the results of the national lottery. Don’t forget this is a roll-over week so not just do you have the chance of winning millions but the defendant can get charged twice for offences he may or may not have committed. I guess we’ll never know —and neither will he — if it is a ‘he’.”

“And now here’s Connie with the weather…”

The above is of course an exaggeration for attempted humorous effect, but not by much.

It may have escaped your attention — which is basically the point — but as we speak an individual, Erol Incedal, is undergoing trial largely behind closed doors for alleged offences of which we have only the vaguest details.

The latest “evidence” to emerge from the case is the allegation that the defendant declared that he liked the word “terrorist.”

I hope that’s not what they’re basing their prosecution on.

This column likes the word “Armageddon” — it doesn’t mean it’s planning on bringing it about.

So there we have it, scant months before the 800th anniversary of its signing, this government of the shilling has finally got its way and torn up the basic tenets of British justice enshrined in the Magna Carta.

The right to a trial by a jury of your peers? Gone.

The right to hear the evidence submitted against you? Forget about that.

Habeas Corpus? Never heard of it, Guv.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong but when the government forced through this draconian and Kafkaesque legislation in the face of opposition from all right-minded people-and lawyers — it was specifically claimed that it would only relate to civil cases being brought against the government.

Cases, it was alleged, the government was unable to defend without disclosing evidence which might damage “national security.”

Well, it didn’t take them long to renege on that particular pledge did it?

“National security” — what a wonderfully Orwellian term that is. An amorphous catch-all phrase tailor- made, like an orange jump suit, to conceal a multitude of sins.

Justice is no longer just blind but gagged as well.

Now, the innocence or guilt of the defendant in the current trial has yet to be determined but this column has a sneaking suspicion which way it’s going to go.

But that is the very point. How will we ever know?

Only weeks ago former Guantanamo detainee Moazzam Begg was released without charge (again) after being held on remand in Belmarsh for seven months on spurious terror charges.

The charges against Begg, a high-profile human rights campaigner who has suffered more than his fair share of injustice at the hands of Britain and the US, were thrown out just days before his trial was due to begin after the Crown Prosecution Service was given sight of evidence from the spooks which had previously been withheld.

Well, how reassuring. It rather raises the question of what else they may “forget” to hand over in such cases. They’re the spooks for God’s sake —lying and treachery is their business.

Personally this column would rather see 100 guilty individuals go free than one innocent person convicted of a crime they did not commit on the grounds that they were unable to defend themselves.

Unless they’re a Tory, in which case they deserve everything they get.